Have you cancelled my lonely time?

Way back in February when the wheels really started to come off my son’s attendance at school they offered him a block of counselling sessions. This wasn’t immediately offered, I really pushed for this to happen but I knew it was the right option. This wasn’t him going into a room and laying on a sofa and talking about his life, it was an hour out of the classroom where he could have some quiet time and play games with the therapist and through play therapy she could help him deal with big emotions and so after we got through the waiting list he finally started the sessions in May. I explained to him that because I could see he was struggling with going to school I had arranged for an hours “quiet time” out of the classroom for him on a Wednesday morning where he would go with a lovely lady and play some games. He was happy. I was happy. And as the time progressed, he started to call it his “lonely time” which actually feels really sad doesn’t it? I called it “quiet time” but somehow my son had interpreted that as “lonely time” and I wondered if it was symbolic that he felt lonely all the time.

As these sessions progressed, I could see the progress that my son was making in this, he was certainly happier going to school on this day. This one minor adjustment to his school day had helped so much on that day and I was grateful for that. But it wasn’t just that, he was also becoming more open with talking about his emotions. He started telling me when he felt sad, when he felt worried, when he felt scared.

If you read last weeks post (Did your eyes pop out?) then you would see that when July came and my son realised June was over he was hysterical and was very unsettled about it. During this time my son can get quite bossy and tense. I don’t tell him off for this. I realise that he’s dealing with something much bigger and the best way to help him is to sit with him and allow myself to stay calm which calms him too. On that evening at bedtime my son told me he felt sad. I asked why…..and this is how the conversation went…..

Him: “I feel sad”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “I feel sad for what happened this morning and bossing you about”
Me: “You don’t have to feel sad. Everyone gets angry sometimes, even me. We say sorry and we move on. The best thing we can be is try to be happy.”
Him: “How can I be happy with all my worries. I have so many worries.”
Me: “Ok well we can talk about them and write them in your book or you can tell the lady at school in your lonely time”

While we were having this conversation my son was playing with a little football in his room spinning around and kicking the ball. At this point he stopped dead in his tracks looked at me so seriously while gesturing with his hands and said….

Him: “Mam, I only have 60 minutes with her. She can’t deal with all my worries in 60 minutes”.

If this wasn’t so serious I think I would have laughed out loud. My son was so serious with his response, it was almost comical.

Me: “I’m sure if you told her she could try and help. What are you worried about?”
Him: “I’m worried about the planets – who made them, where did they come from, how do they stay up. I’m worried about Jesus – how did he come back to life, why did he die, where did he live. But most of all I’m worried about forgetting my book bag and water bottle at school”

Wow. I mean wow. These worries, and questions weren’t new he had asked them frequently (Who was the first person on the Earth?, Why doesn’t the Earth fall down?, You know Jesus Christ, what do you think happened?) and I thought I had answered his questions. We had books about Space and the planets and read them quite often. He had learnt about Jesus at school over Easter time but I think that had ended so I was quite shocked that these questions were still going round his head months after.  Well I wasn’t shocked really because I knew what he was like but which 6 year old worries about the planets, worries about Jesus and has this on the same level as forgetting his book bag and water bottle. And if this is what was constantly going through his head no wonder he didn’t sleep well, no wonder he always seemed worried and unsettled. He was worrying about things that I didn’t always have the answers to. He was worrying about things that even the greatest philosophers in the world didn’t know the answer to. So I went for the quick win….

We wrote down the worry about his book bag and bottle in his worry book. And I said I would help to remind him about this each day so he didn’t forget it. And I made a mental note to remind him on his “lonely time” day to tell the counselor all his worries. It was hard to get him to reveal the true him. People who met him would never believe this conversation unless they heard it from him and so I needed him to say it out loud to the counsellor.

Wednesday morning came and I reminded him to tell the counsellor. That night when he came out of school he immediately asked…..

“Have you cancelled my lonely time?”

The answer was no and it turned out on this week his lonely time didn’t go ahead for reasons I don’t know. He wasn’t even told. And it’s so infuriating. The amount of people who haven’t rang me back in this situation, the amount of emails I have had to chase up, the amount of admin required just to get a tiny bit of help and when you do get it and you are on the verge of a breakthrough nothing happens.

One step forward three steps back.

And I realised that my son had it absolutely correct. Lonely time was the correct terminology for this because a lot of the time it felt like we were in this alone, not just felt it, we were alone in this.