Who do you love more me or my sister?

A normal childhood question I am sure most children ask, or at least think so I was prepared for this one. I’m still sure that my mam loves my brother more than the rest of us, she still talks about how good he was because he walked at 10 months old!!! But what followed this question I wasn’t quite prepared for. Just that day I had been reading tweets on X, the platform formally known as Twitter. I’d started a new Twitter account purely to get advice and strategies for what I was trying to cope with (follow me if you like @theQofmyChild). And a lot of the tweets I read on this day were about autism and honesty, and this post is about how honest my son is. While reading these tweets I thought to myself you know what being honest is ok. What’s wrong with saying what you actually think?!?! We should applaud those people who do. In less than two hours I was about to change my stance on this……..

We started the bedtime routine and I read my son a book called The Invisible String. It’s a book about love and how all the people you love are connected by an invisible string to their hearts no matter where you are. And I had bought it for my son because he reacts well to books about life lessons and currently we were having issues when he came to leave me. He cried when I dropped him off at school, he shouted me immediately after I left the room, I was unable to do anything in the house except sit by his side on the sofa. It was becoming a problem and so I thought this book would help. It was a lovely story and he loved it. He asked me lots of questions

Do we have an invisible string?

Yes

Is it there all the time?

Yes

Do you have an invisible string to my sister?

Yes

And just as he was going to sleep he asked;

Who do you love more, me or my sister?

I love you both the same

He then told me;

I love my dad more than you. But I love you second best. 

It was like a knife piercing my heart – the child I had carried for 9 months telling me I was only second best!! I’d learnt by now not to really react in these situations. So I just said that’s ok, gave him a kiss night night, told him I loved him and went and made myself a cup of tea. I then proceeded to watch a film where I cried all the way through it. Unusual for me, but not unexpected after hearing that. Because I know in that very moment when he said it he meant it. He may think differently tomorrow, or even after ten minutes but in that moment he meant it. He wasn’t saying it just to hurt me like a teenager might, it was matter of fact. And that is hard. I now know how my daughter felt on my son’s birthday, when after blowing out his birthday candles, and making his birthday wish he shouted “I wished for a brother”. Every time I watched the video back I could see her face crestfallen and it made me sad.

But this is who he is. And should we be upset for someone telling the truth. Yes it’s unkind to hurt people but to him he isn’t saying it to try and hurt me, he’s just saying what he thinks. 

This event is made even more traumatic by the trauma I had with the book in the first place, which is a whole other story. I had spent a lot of time researching the correct book to buy and by all accounts this was the correct book so I was pleased with my choice. When it arrived I read it to myself and thought great this book is absolutely perfect. I popped it on the sofa ready for my son getting dropped off after school. He came in, walked in the room, saw the book, took an immediate dislike to it (I have no idea why), picked the book up threw it across the room, shouted that the book was rubbish, picked it up, threw it across the room again, said he never wanted to read that book, picked it up again, stomped into the kitchen with it, shouted he was putting it in the bin and threw it around the kitchen. At this point I hadn’t even said hello to him, I was sat with my mouth open thinking what was going on. He left it on the floor by the bin, came and sat next to me and calmed down and everything was ok. Nearing bedtime he asked where the book was and could we read it at bedtime and I said yes so I retrieved it from behind the bin where I had left it. We took the book up to bed and I could tell he was still unsure about the book, he was unsettled by it. He threw it down on the floor and said he definitely didn’t want to read it so we read another book. He then said I do want to read the new book and I could tell at this point he was finally ready to read it. Whatever was going on with the book had ended in his head so we got cuddled up and read it and as I said above he absolutely loved it. But….if anyone can explain to me what the issues were around the book I would be eternally grateful. I have no idea why he took an instant dislike to it. I have no idea what the whole thing was about. 

But I do know this The Invisible String was one of the most loveliest books I have ever read. But there is a part of me that feels like burning that book and never reading it again. I know it’s not the books fault and I am absolutely sure this book will help our situation but it is one I will never forget that is for sure. Not only that but when I came across the ball of string in the kitchen drawer I was nearly sick in my mouth. I will never look at string in the same way again, invisible or not!! My son had unknowingly tightened the invisible string we had between our hearts until my heart was crushed into a million little pieces. Would it ever be whole again?!?!