Can we restart?

It was the Sunday before the Monday going back to school after the Easter holidays and I was trying not to get anxious about what might unfold. My son had a hard time going to school and because he had just had 2 weeks off this back to school was going to be even worse. But I was more regulated than I had ever been. Prepared for the situation that might unfold but also resolute that what will be will be. I had started doing 20 mins of yoga most days and it was helping. I felt more in control of myself again and I knew that if the bedtime the night before school, or the school morning turned sour then I could handle it. The Sunday night bedtime went great, which surprised me as I had mentioned it was school tomorrow. There was a part of me that felt slightly hopeful for the Monday morning. Maybe the two weeks had reset him, I was sure it would build up once he got to school but maybe just maybe tomorrow would be fine.

My alarm went off at 6.45am. I snoozed it but as I dozed back off I became aware that it was Monday morning and I really should get up. I got up and went to wake my son who was stirring. As soon as I stepped foot in his room he shouted “I am NOT going to school” and the hope that I had disappeared along with the cup of tea and shower I was planning. I put my phone on record – I knew I needed some evidence for school so they could listen to what we went through to get my son to school. And then my brain went into overdrive about how I was going to get this back on track. Could I get it back on track. I didn’t react to the “I am NOT going to school”, I just said it’s time to get up. My son sat up in bed and threw the koala he sleeps with at me. I knew this was bad, he loved that koala!! This had gone from 0-100 in the space of seconds. He ordered me out of his room. I went and stood in the bathroom mentally preparing myself for what I would need to do. When I’m doing yoga, at the end for the Savasana you have to focus on your breath. Forget everything else and just relax. Let your breath calm your nervous system. And that is what I tried to do while stood in the bathroom half naked at 7am on a Monday morning.

Breathe.
I could hear my son shouting “Be Quiet” and “I am NOT going to school”.
Breathe.
I could hear him throwing things around his room in a rage.
Breathe.
“I am NEVER living with you again”.
Breathe.
More things getting thrown about.
Breathe.
“I am NOT going to school”.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
“I HATE you”.

And this time I didn’t breathe. I muttered under my breath “For fucks sake someone give me a fucking break”.

(I apologise for the language but I do swear A LOT in real life). The greatest yogi in the world could not practice mindfulness in this environment and so I put my clothes on and commenced what was to be one of the greatest battles of my life. First things first I put the kettle on. I debated about downing a brandy seriously, but I’m not sure I’m at that stage…..not yet anyway!! I then stood outside my son’s bedroom and asked if I could come in. He allowed me in but shut the door after me and stood blocking the doorway. He was extremely distressed. Extremely. He then preceded to attack me, punching my legs, bum and hips. And let me tell you an angry 5 year old can seriously pack a punch. He punched me in the stomach and it really hurt, like really hurt and I shouted at him. Really shouted. I scared the living daylights out of him I think and I managed to get out of his room. And shouting didn’t help. Yes it scared my son but it just gave him something else to deal with which I knew prolonged the whole situation. It would just add extra time to the event. I knew the best thing to do was remain quiet and wait…..easier said than done sometimes. So I went and made a cup of tea and when I came back he was throwing everything out of his room. Toys came flying out, teddies came flying out, his bedding all came out. He tipped every chair at the dining table over and I just stood and watched. I told him when he was ready and calm I would help him. And I waited for him to calm. I sat on the bottom stair and cried a little (well maybe a lot) and waited for it all to stop. My daughter came down for breakfast, she was also crying, she hated this so much. I told her we knew this would happen, this is our normal so dry your tears, get ready for school and we would be all ok, because we are always ok after these events. I told her her grandma would be picking her up and she needed to eat her breakfast up in her room where it was safe. My husband then joined me and we sat together just waiting. It went on and on and on. And anytime we spoke my son shouted….

“STOP MAKING NOISE”
“STOP MAKING NOISE”
“STOP MAKING NOISE”

I didn’t even dare slurp my tea and god knows I needed my cup of tea right now. This went on for around 45 mins. It felt like a lifetime. And eventually it started to calm. My son started whimpering and he asked…

“Can we restart?”

And I knew it was over. We weren’t out of the woods yet but we were over the worst. My son had this thing where if an event didn’t go according to plan for whatever reason he liked to restart the said event. So many times we had started something and it hadn’t gone quite right for him and so we all went back to where we were and started again. This was a dangerous situation to get into as sometimes it was possible to restart but other times it just wasn’t. I guess its like a reboot on a computer, a restart clears out all the things that needed processing, a clean start.  Sometimes I didn’t quite know what to do for the best but I knew we needed to restart this morning. I needed it. We all needed it.

And so me and my son tidied up together. And my son asked if we could change the time….of course impossible but he meant just on the clock so I turned his clock back to 7am – his usual get up time and everyone went back to their own bedrooms. My son climbed back into bed. And I went back and laid on my bed. And it was only then I decided he wasn’t going to school. I probably could get him to school if I really tried now that he was calm but I knew we needed outside help. I needed someone to recognise we needed outside help. School didn’t recognise this. They were dismissive and unhelpful. They believed it was me that was the problem. And actually that was true. The problem was I was too good at being a parent. I was so good at preparing my son and getting my son to school that as a consequence everyone thought everything was great. We were never late once for school and my son had missed minimal days at school due to my efficiency at getting him there. And this wasn’t a good indicator of what actually went on in the preceding hours to school. Yes I had cried on the playground several times but the majority of times I held it in until I got to the car. If I wasn’t so good then maybe we would have gotten help sooner. I was too efficient. So I was going to be inefficient which in turn was the best thing for my son. I rang school and left a message on the voicemail. It’s a wonder anyone would even understand what that voicemail said because I was so upset. Upset that in order to get anyone to realise the enormity of the problems we were facing I had to keep my son off school. It’s a bit like blackmail really. But I rang the school and tried to explain the issue between sobs.

I then logged on for work and messaged my boss who was understanding. In fact my boss loves reading these blogs and is well aware of all the challenges I face day to day. Shout out to my boss who messages me most mornings to see how my mornings have gone and who when I turn up to the office crying after a horrible morning offers to make me a cup of tea – thank you!!

I worked on the morning and took the afternoon off work. My son spent the morning sat next to me and I waited for the school to ring me back. And I waited. And I waited. And as the morning wore on I got more and more angry. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. And then finally the phone rang and the school name popped up. And I answered and it was not the voice I was expecting. Not the school teacher but the headteacher. It had gone straight to the top!!!! And for a fleeting moment I thought I had done the right thing. Until he started talking, yes he was very nice but he couldn’t offer me any advice…what?!? The headteacher couldn’t offer me any advice around getting my son to school….I despair. And so he passed it on to the school teacher who would ring me later on. He just wanted to check I was ok. Which is lovely. But no I wasn’t ok. And so I waited for the school teacher to ring. And she did, and basically told me that I needed to get my son to school no matter what state he was in!!!!!! But she did say she would pass it on to the SENCO who rang me and we set up some meetings for another day. More on that in a later post!! 

Back to the Back to school Monday….my daughter came in from school with a headache. Not surprising really as I had a headache. I felt terrible. My son was exhausted. I was exhausted. My daughter was exhausted. And then my husband came in from work looking how we all felt.

 “Can we restart?”

I wished we could restart the day so much. So so much. It’s an interesting concept. And it makes sense. Why wouldn’t we want to go back and start again after something has gone wrong. My son needed to restart and this made the slate clean but for the rest of us the memories remained. And for me, the physical marks would remain for a long long time. I couldn’t do anything about that but I could shake off the memories.

I needed to shake off the memories. I needed to clean the slate and for me there was only one way to do this. When the next day came, I got my son to school and afterwards I went for a drive. And I picked a song with a really strong beat and I turned the volume up to 50 so I could feel the music wash over me and vibrate through my whole body and I drove and drove and drove………