Can you say this?

Somewhere along the line, and most of the time I’m not entirely sure how but my son, or maybe I do, starts little rituals that start off small but over time become a major issue. I say issue because this insignificant small ritual grows until it dominates his whole life…..and mine….and there are several of them. And they usually begin with a question…..

Can we restart?

I’ve previously written a whole blog post (Can we restart?) based on one major meltdown where we had to restart the morning. I described this scenario to the CBT lady and she said this was a good thing that he did that because it showed he was able to “rupture and repair”. And she’s right but the repair bit then takes over without you even realising it. Since then, the “can we restart” has been used on every scenario you can think of. When reading his bedtime books he will ask me to restart a page. I think one night this week I read the same page four times before he could move on. Getting dressed, if something doesn’t go right he will ask to restart, take off all his clothes and start again.  Getting him comfy on the sofa is a mammoth task which involves him sitting just right, making sure he doesn’t have a wedgie (this is a whole other blog post), wrapping him up in a blanket and putting his headphones on just right so they cover his ears, and if something isn’t right he will get off the sofa, throw his blanket off and restart with trying to sit down. Just this morning I told him that his Grandma was at the door if he wanted to see her and he said “No, because then I would have to restart this.” And gestured to the fact he was sat on the sofa all comfy. Restarting has become a time consuming ritual, and even he knows it.

Can I have one more minute?

Every parent gives their child a countdown right….you have 5 minutes before we have to leave etc.  But our countdown has become…I’m not even sure what the word is. So you give your child a countdown but you know they are going to negotiate so say you are at the park and you know you want to leave at 3pm so at 2.55pm you give them the 5 minute warning then leave at 3pm. Winning yes. Well if your child is a mini negotiator you might anticipate that after the 5 minute warning they negotiate some more time so instead of giving them the 5 minute countdown 5 minutes before you want to leave you give them the 5 minute countdown 10 minutes before you want to leave at 2.50pm. Then after 5 minutes tell them you leaving and they negotiate another 5 mins and then you leave at 3pm as you wanted. The parent wins in this case right. Yes yes they do. My son is the best negotiator you have ever met. The best. He can negotiate and delay until the cows come home. I started out giving the 5 minute warning, but I had to give him it 10 minutes before because after the first 5 minutes he negotiated another 5 minutes. We have now progressed to me having to give him his 5 minute warning 15 minutes before I need him to do anything because after the first 5 minute warning he asks…

“Can I have another 5 minutes?” After that 5 minutes he will ask….“Can I have 2 more minutes?” Then he will ask… “Can I have 2 more minutes?” Then he will ask…..“Can I have 1 more minute?”

I am absolutely sure that very soon I will be giving him his 5 minute warning 20 minutes before I need him to do anything. This parent is most definitely not winning.

Can I kick the ball?

Getting dressed is so hard for my son. I can’t explain why, I’m not sure I know why. But everything about it is a trauma from start to finish. Taking his clothes off, putting new clothes on. And I read somewhere that if you break it down there’s a lot of steps involved in it. Think about how many items of clothing you take off, how cold it is when you do, choosing what to wear, putting each item on. There’s a lot. A lot to process. A lot to think about. And he will delay getting dressed so much. One day we were in his bedroom and he was kicking the ball (he is always kicking a ball) and I am trying to keep him on track to get dressed in a timely fashion. So I suggested he put one item of clothing on then kick the ball once then put the next item on and kick the ball which worked beautifully this one time. This one time. Fast forward a few weeks and we are still kicking the ball but sometimes he doesn’t like the way he has kicked the ball so he restarts. If he just gets dressed without remembering to kick the ball and then all of a sudden he will remember he has to take all his clothes off and start the whole process again remembering to kick the ball this time. Or he will kick the ball a set number of times for each item of clothing he has already put on. Needless to say I wish I never even started the kick the ball routine.

Can you say this?

We have a great bedtime routine, long but going to sleep is a major strength of my sons. Once he is in bed and happy he just stays in one position and goes to sleep. But every night we have a very specific ritual of saying night night and this is how it started out…

I give him a kiss.
Him: “Love you. Best Friends Forever.”
Me: “Love you. Best Friends Forever.”
Him: “How long until you go to bed?”
Me: “60 minutes” (I just tell him this amount of time, I have no idea why I say this but that is what I say every night.)
I leave the room. He then starts shouting….
Him: “What living room are you sitting in?”
Me: “The living room you eat your supper in.”

And somewhere along the line, I’m really really not sure how but it has progressed to this….

I give him a kiss
Him: Love you. Best Friends Forever.”
Me: “Love you. Best Friends Forever.”
Him: “Can I have another kiss?”
Me: “Yes there is always time for one more kiss.”
Him: “Love you. Best Friends Forever.”
Me: “Love you. Best Friends Forever.”
Him: Night Night. Sleep Tight”
Me: “Night.”
Him: “How long until you go to bed?”
Me: “60 minutes”
I leave the room. He then starts shouting….
Him: “What living room are you sitting in?”
Me: “The living room you eat your supper in.”
At this point I am stood out of his sight outside his bedroom trying to walk to the living room.
Him: “Night Night. Sleep Tight”
Me: “Night.”
I take a few more steps towards the living room.
Him: “Can you say this…..Love You. Best Friends Forever. Night Night. Sleep Tight.”
Me: “Love You. Best Friends Forever. Night Night. Sleep Tight.”
Him: “Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”
I take a few more steps towards the living room.
Me: “Night.”
Him: “Love You. Best Friends Forever. Night Night. Sleep Tight.”
Me: “Love You. Best Friends Forever. Night Night. Sleep Tight.”
I am now in the living room doorway. My husband mutes the tv and looks at me waiting for the next shout.
Him: “Niiiiiiiiiiiight.”
Me: “Night.”
Him: “Love You. Best Friends Forever. Night Night. Sleep Tight.”
Me: “Love You. Best Friends Forever. Night Night. Sleep Tight.”
Him: “Niiiiiiiiiight.”
Me: “Night.”

And me and my husband hold our breaths waiting for the next one and praying for silence. And after a few minutes I know my son is asleep and we finally start breathing again.

And I know you are reading this and thinking well just sort all this out. Put your foot down and give one kiss and say bye and don’t let him restart a situation – read the page of a book once and once only and if he isn’t listening then that’s up to him. And I wish it was that easy. And it sounds easy it really does but it just isn’t. These are definitely compulsions of his that he has to do. It’s clear that these rituals, while exhausting and time-consuming, provide a sense of security and order for my son. I am his safe person, I have created a safe space for him that allows him to be him and trying to stop these rituals will stop him unmasking with me. Ultimately, I hope to help him manage these rituals in a way that allows him to feel secure and in control, while also giving us both a bit more freedom and peace. And in order to come up with a strategy that works that I need to do a bit of research……but as I am sure you have guessed I am so busy with doing these rituals I don’t seem to get chance…..