Can I sleep at Grandma’s?

All children sleep at their grandparents at some point, right? Well not my son, not really. My daughter slept at my mams, her Grandma’s a lot. And she loved it. Absolutely loved it. She had her own bedroom there and it was home from home really. The same never really happened for my son. As a baby he never really slept so I decided to wait until my son was older but then covid came and for a while we couldn’t even go in anyone’s house let alone sleep there. So, when the world opened up and we were all free again my son could have slept there regularly as a treat but by this point I knew my son was different and so he only slept there when I felt like he could really benefit from it and/or he asked. He is now 6 and he has slept at my mams a handful of times, and each time has been hard.

My son loves my mams house, he goes there after school once a week, and she looks after him in the school holidays too but sleeping there has been difficult. On the few occasions he has slept there it’s been tense and he has been upset and distressed. And he is not sleeping there because I have plans or am doing something he has asked to sleep there. So every so often he will ask…

“Can I sleep at Grandmas?”

And I feel that dread in the pit of my stomach. I know he wants to sleep there but when it comes to the reality of the situation it’s difficult for him. Each time he has slept my daughter has slept there too and this has provided some level of familiarity for him and when he has gotten distressed, she has soothed him and helped. She knows his routine very well and has helped his Grandma implement the routine but my daughter is older now and refuses to sleep at her Grandma’s. So, this summer holiday when he asked several times, I knew he was going to have to go for a sleepover but I also knew that he would be going by himself as my daughter wouldn’t go. We knew my son better than previous times. And my son was older, and he knew himself even better than previous times. So, we were better prepared and so, we arranged a night.

Now ordinarily when your child goes to sleep at a grandparent’s you plan a night out, maybe a few drinks, a meal, a big party just something for yourself but I knew I couldn’t do that. I knew I would be pacing the floor waiting for the text to say my son was asleep. I knew I would be on standby in case I needed to go rescue the situation. It was like sending a newborn out for their first sleepover. We packed his bag and I made sure he was happy with this……..I say bag but it was actually his suitcase, he loved dragging that suitcase around ever since we had been to London so I knew this would help. I made it as easy as possible for my mam, my son had been fed and had had his tea and was in his pjs so all he had to take was the 8 teddies he was currently sleeping with. 5 of those teddies were in a bag, the bedding on his bed came in a little bedding bag and he had decided to use it for a little sleeping bag for 5 of those teddies. The night before I had had a painstaking bedtime where I had to squeeze 5 of the teddies in the bag just right, all facing the correct way, none of them looking squashed and all of them in the right order. I had finally gotten it right for him and he had wanted to take them with him on this sleepover. We packed his toothbrush and toothpaste as not just any toothbrush or toothpaste will do. We packed his water bottle and his little clock that he carried everywhere with him. And I packed his supper and breakfast food. He was ready. But for half hour before I dropped him off he told me how nervous he was. He kept asking…..

“Do you think I should sleep there?”

I told him he needed to think about all the things that made him nervous and after he had completed them, he was proud of himself. And this was one of those moments. It was ok to be nervous, but he needed to go and try it and if he wanted to come home he could come home. I wasn’t sure if was saying the right thing or not, but we got in the car and got to my mams. He wanted me to stay there for exactly 30 minutes and so I said I was leaving at 6pm and he was happy with this. But then there was a disaster……we took his suitcase upstairs to unpack and my mam started unpacking the teddies….including the 5 squashed into the pretend sleeping bag taking them out of this bag. Well that was enough to tip my son over the edge who immediately said he wanted to go home. And me because I knew I had to start again with putting them teddies in this bag. It was also enough to tip my mum over the edge who was only trying her best. But we knew what to do. My mam disappeared. And I stayed with my son. I put the teddies back in and remained quiet. He then started looking at the books on the shelf and I started reading one to him and did my absolute best to make him laugh. Sometimes if you can make him laugh it completely brings him out of whatever he is in. And then I remembered he liked to play a form of beer pong at my mums. She got out plastic cups and he threw ping pong balls to try and get them in the cups. We went downstairs and I asked to play this game. And I knew this would regulate him. And it did. When my 30 minutes were up I said I was going my son asked…..

“Do I have to sleep here?”

I, of course, said no. He didn’t have to sleep there but he had wanted to so I was going to go home and he would enjoy himself and I would see him first thing in the morning. I knew he still wasn’t sure. And he asked….

“How many times have I slept here?”

Now I didn’t actually know how many times he had slept there – somewhere between 5 and 10 times but I knew in that moment exactly what to say.

“You have slept here 5 times. And now you are 6 years old this will be the 6th time you have slept here.”

And he nodded his head, and I knew that logic would work. It might not work if he asked to sleep at my mams again before he was 7 years old because I am not quite sure what I would say then but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. And I was allowed to leave. And he slept there fine. It was probably the most successful sleepover we had had there.

But I got home and I felt.like crying. There was a part of me that really just missed doing things that didn’t require so much preparation. Doing things that didn’t require me to have to think and be on the ball all the time. Doing things that just happened without lots of intervention from me. Just doing things.

This was again highlighted a few days later when we went to a local theme park. My son was super excited about this, he had been before he knew what to expect and he was on board with this but it meant we were setting off at 9am..ish which is early. And although my son got up early getting him through his routine meant pressure and he didn’t cope under pressure. So when we woke up and he was in a good mood I was happy. It soon turned though. We got out of bed and moved to the sofa and straight away he couldn’t get sat right on the sofa. His Oodie wasn’t on right, I couldn’t get the blanket on him right, his legs felt funny and then he asked in a bit of a panic…

“Can we restart”

I sighed and said yes and we went to his room and he got angry for a while. I again just waited calmly, not thinking of the packed lunches I needed to make and once he was calm he then laid in bed and I sat in the corner of his room and my eyes filled up. Yes we knew so much more about my son, yes we knew much more how to help and support him, our days were getting easier in some respect but also harder keeping up what we needed to keep up in order to regulate my son. I longed for the days where we just got up and everything worked and I knew that would never be the case. And then I cried because I felt guilty for feeling those feelings. I just wanted to wake up and everything go according to plan and then my son asked….

“Shall we play top trumps”

And I knew we were back on track. We sat and played Top Trumps for 15 minutes and that reset him and we got sorted out and we set off slightly later than planned but we had a great day. And yes we did take the Top Trumps and we did play them throughout the day which also helped.

And so, we managed to pull off a successful sleepover at Grandma’s and even had a great day at the theme park. But despite these little victories, I can’t help but feel the weight of guilt for wishing we could just have a “normal” sleepover without all the preparation and worry. The longing for a simpler experience, where staying at Grandma’s is just fun and easy, lingers ironically like a stubborn guest who just won’t leave……