What Time is it? Part Two!

The question What Time is it? was the basis of this blog, it was my very first blog post (What Time is it?). From around 3 years old, my son started asking this question over and over again. And not just a couple of times a day—literally hundreds of times. He would ask it three or four times within five minutes and always needed the exact time. The exact time. If I said “nearly 4 o’clock” he would ask the real time. As time went on (no pun intended) I decided that asking this question brought my son comfort somehow so every time he asked I made sure I answered. And as we learnt more about my son and things improved the excessiveness of this question died down. He still asked it a lot but it lessened.

Until now.

Now we are back to it being as prolific as ever. What time is it? Over and over again….again!! And if it isn’t that question its asking other questions around time.

“How many hours until morning?”
“What time will it be 6 hours from now?”
“What time was it 4 hours ago?”
“What time is it?”
“How many hours until I am 7 years old?”

And it doesn’t strike me as a coincidence that we are currently in the worst phase of life that we have ever been in. Since the beginning of the school year things have gotten really bad and since then we have been surviving, although I have no idea how. School has been missed, bedtimes have been fraught, mornings have been awful. I am trying to work around my son being off school, and also do all the other things that need doing in life plus my daughter is in the last year of school which means important decisions and guidance required from parents, she needs me a lot this year. And while all this has been happening I have been speaking to the GP, arranging occupational therapy, seeking legal advice and fighting with school. All while my son is constantly asking…

“What time is it?”

Over and over again.

“What time is it?”
“10.30.”
“What time is it now?”
“10.32.”
“Maaammmm what time is it?”
“10.40.”

All day long, every day.

I am (or was) a very organised person, food shops were scheduled, cleaning routines were set, texts were replied to promptly, everything in my life used to be mapped out. I was meticulous at knowing who was doing what when and the house ran like clockwork. Now we run out of food, I’m behind on washing, people are wearing dirty PE kits because I have forgotten to wash them. My organised life has fallen apart. I feel completely out of control with everything. And I am really struggling to get it back on an even keel because every day there is more and more to do. And I knew that no matter what bad way I was in, my son was in a worse way. He must be if he was asking this question. I had never seen him so on edge, so burnt out, so worried about anything and everything. He was doing rituals over and over again having to put his toothbrush under the tap 6 times before ending brushing his teeth and if he lost count he had to start again, he was having to kick a balloon 20 times before he could get into bed on a night. He was asking things over and over again, getting me to repeat conversations and restart things over and over again until he was settled. One evening when I said we could play football for 15 minutes before bed one night he couldn’t tell me when the 15 minutes started he kept saying to himself more than me….

“It starts now…..no 2 seconds……it will start noooooow….no not yet. 2 more seconds.”

And after I told him we needed to start now he grabbed his head and shouted ….

“Please just let me sort it out. Please. Right the 15 minutes starts noooooow”.

It was really quite scary. And scary that there was nobody to turn to. You were just passed around from pillar to post. I was constantly worried for my son. He was 6 years old and clearly suffering, in my opinion on the verge of a breakdown. I was at a loss as to what to do. Days were passing me by and I had no idea how I was getting through them. I can’t remember the last day where I didn’t cry. There was a permanent lump in my throat that I was constantly swallowing down. There’s only so long you can be in survival mode for, before you get ill no matter how good you are at it. And last week I woke up in severe pain in one of my kidneys and I mean severe pain. When I finally got round to having a shower (at dinnertime which seemed to be my new shower time) I noticed a rash on the side that was hurting. I had a red ring round where I thought my kidney was and it was hot. I was struggling to catch my breath and my kidney really really hurt. My immediate thought was shingles – something caused by stress and everyone said I should go to the Drs. How was I going to fit a Drs appointment for myself around everything else. I decided to monitor it and see what happened. I downed pint after pint of water. Not only was I drowning in life I was now drowning in water. And I kept checking the rash. I couldn’t go on like this I just couldn’t. Something along the line something would have to give. I wasn’t sure what yet but something would…..probably this blog the one thing that I did for myself currently. And this became my life.

Sleep.
Work.
Admin.
Meltdown.
What time is it?
Work.
Sleep.
Admin.
Meltdown.
What time is it?
Sleep.
Food shop.
Work.
What Time is it?
Admin.
Work.

And when my son does go to his dad’s I rest. And there might be some people that think well at least you do get a rest, yes I do. But part of the problem, a big part of the problem is the two varying households. When my son does come back home he hasn’t had the same sensory regulation he gets here which means we are starting from less than 0 again. Having that rest for me is great but it means so much more work for me in the long run, and so much more distress for my son. We are in one big vicious circle that just keeps getting worse and worse and I can’t see a way forward.

After a couple of days my rash disappeared. Who knows what that was and I started to feel less poorly (I won’t say well because I don’t). So I guess time is a healer….or maybe the pints of water I drank were but this blog is about time so I’m going to go with time!!! Despite feeling better I sit here now and there’s no teabags left in the house, we are on the last bin bag which is full in the bin, the washing basket is full, I actually have no idea what day it is, I have numerous emails to respond to, I have a meeting at school to fit in around my work schedule and I can’t get to the shops to pick anything up as my son is off school. Now don’t get me wrong I have a great support network, my mum and my husband have helped massively but this is not me. I don’t like sending people to the shops for things, I don’t like running low on things, I don’t like feeling out of control. I need to get back in control. I need to help my son feel more in control. So as I sit here now, the question ‘What time is it?’ feels like it’s become the soundtrack to our lives. And I’m starting to think it’s not just about the time. It’s about finding something to hold onto when everything feels out of control. For my son, knowing the time gives him a little bit of comfort in a world that feels too much. For me, it’s a reminder of how fast time is slipping by while I’m just trying to survive each day. Between the school battles, the endless phone calls, the two different households—it’s like we’re both desperately trying to get a grip on something. The truth is, I don’t have all the answers, and right now it feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water. If time has taught me anything, it’s that nothing stays the same forever. We will get through this, even if we have to take it one minute, one meltdown, one answer to ‘What time is it?’ at a time.