Did you have a nice Christmas and New Year?

We all know the score don’t we. For a couple of weeks after the big day and New Year when you see new people, people you haven’t seen since last year they say…

“Did you have a good Christmas and New Year?”

And I always wonder are they really interested, like really interested or do you just say it for a bit of small talk. I used to have a work colleague who every year when we got back to work would ask the question but when he was asked he would say..

“Oh we were ill all Christmas. It was terrible.”

And I would think why say that. Why not just say what everyone else does….

“Oh it was lovely thanks, you?”

Or things like….

“I’ve eaten far too much.”
“Absolutely nothing on TV was there?”
“Absolutely manic, glad to be back at work for a rest.”
“Lovely to see all my family.”
“Lovely but I’m glad to be back to the old routine.”

You know, the standard lines. And this year, I knew exactly what I’d say….

“Oh, it was lovely, thanks. Did you?”

But the truth? The reality was very different.

Chirstmas Eve

It all started on Christmas Eve. My family hosts a big party every year—about 40 people—and while there was no pressure for my son to go, he knew it was happening and wanted to try. However, the reality is that events like this cause him massive anxiety.

The party was set to start at 1 p.m., and I had planned to arrive early to help settle him in. But as the morning went on, his anxiety escalated. By midday, it culminated in a meltdown, with him swinging on his curtain pole until it snapped, sending the curtains crashing down.

He was inconsolable, convinced he was now on Santa’s naughty list. The rest of the family went to the party, but I stayed home with him, managing to prop up the curtain pole and calm him down with a custard.

Out of the blue, he announced he wanted to go to the party. I hesitated—it felt like a mistake—but how do you explain that to a six-year-old? We packed Uno, a football, and I stayed sober so we could leave at any moment.

At the party, he seemed to enjoy himself. People kept saying, “Oh, hasn’t he done well!” and “He loves parties, doesn’t he?” But when it came time for the group photo, he refused to join. He didn’t want me in it either, so we stayed in the corridor, playing with his ball.

I knew he had had enough so we got sorted out and left. When we got home my son was all over, and I was tired from the morning’s meltdown – a very bad combination. You need to be as calm as possible in these situations but when you are tired you are on a shorter fuse. And my son picks up on this. And from getting in until bedtime he was agitated and annoyed. I tried to do activities with him I knew would regulate him but it was Christmas Eve and he wasn’t engaged in this at all. Eventually (around 10pm) he went to sleep but it wasn’t easy for him. I was an absolute wreck and needed a brandy before bed that was for sure.

Christmas Day

Christmas Day went well. My son took his turn at opening presents and was very happy with what he received. I devoted my morning to him and did everything he wanted to do and he went to his dads at dinnertime for his Christmas there.

27th December – also my husband’s birthday

When my son came back from his dad’s on this day he wasn’t right. I immediately sensed his agitation on drop off. The first thing he asked me was have you moved my presents? I said they were still in the living room and that was all. But I had moved them into a nice neat pile and I now knew this was disastrous. He went straight into the living room to check, usually he goes to his bedroom and we have a specific routine that we carry out before he is ready to join our household again but today when he went straight into the living room I knew it was all over already. And that is when this event happened…How long have you managed to hide in the toilet for? We got through that though and I didn’t even dare mention my husbands birthday to my son. It was best to leave that one there so my husband put his birthday cards in the room we don’t sit in and that was that.

29th December

My son was with me for the next few days and on this day we decided to go for a walk up the woods. This was perfect for my son, he loved it, he ran, he jumped, he got muddy. It really really suited him and on that walk I saw this sign and it reminded me that there is light out there. We just need to get it right for my son. But getting it right between school, me and his dad was proving to be impossible and what happened next showed this even more.

On the night there was a football match that my son usually attends with his dad. Usually he would be with me for 5 nights but there was this football match on one of the nights and his dad had asked to swap the routine about to enable my son to go to the match. Now this causes some issues between me and his dad because his dad thinks this football match is the most important thing but I disagree, I believe my son’s routine is the most important thing so changing his routine for a football match is not what I believe should happen. But in the spirit of playing fair and wanting to compromise I occasionally agree to a swap to the routine which allows my son to go to the match. This is never easy from my side, it creates anxiety for my son and each time I do it I say to myself I am never doing it again and then I do it again. Well this time this is the last time. For definite.

When it came to it my son did not want to go. He was very clear about this. He wanted to stay at mine as usual and go back to his dads on the Wednesday (NYD) as normal. I knew this would not go down well with his dad but I messaged him and told him and he could not understand it at all. As far as he was concerned my son loved going to the match so he couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to go. But I feel that I am right, my sons routine comes above anything else and his dad just does not understand this. This resulted in a video call between my son and his dad and his dad asked him over and over again why he didn’t want to go to the match. I felt sorry for my son but we were too deep in this now to try and get out of it. In the end my son said he would go, but I feel like he just said that to please his dad, not himself. And off he went. He came back the next day and he was fine, but the next day after that was New Years Eve…..

New Years Eve

Whilst we had nothing planned at all there was a sense of anticipation in the house, the other kids were excited (although what for I will never know because New Year is a big let down). And throughout the day my son kept asking….

“Is today the last day of the year?”
“Is tomorrow the first day of the new year?”

And so on and so on. We never left the house at all and I tried to do activities with my son that calmed him but it just didn’t seem to help at all today. As the day wore on he got more and more manic and dysregulated, as did I. At bedtime he was a mess and couldn’t settle. We played game after game of uno and finally at 11pm he went to sleep. I then (stupidly) drank a bottle of wine and several brandies in 2 hours before collapsing in bed at 1.30am. This was a disaster because I rarely drank while my son was here because life was so relentless with him.

New Years Day

When we woke up I didn’t feel great, and he picks up on that immediately. I was clearly hungover and he was stressed about it being a new year. I knew we needed to get out the house. So we decided to go to the beach….we are very lucky that we live very close to the beach, but also very close to the woods so we can be outside quite a bit. But getting out the house was carnage. Absolute carnage.

Clothes are an issue, always have been and always will be I feel, and my son said he would pick his own clothes. I reminded him that it was very cold but he was convinced that because December had ended it was starting to warm up again and when he came out of his room dressed in shorts and a beach vest my heart sank. He was super happy with his choices though and so I went with it  – I packed him some trousers and a hoodie and off we went. But when we got to the beach I realised we had forgotten my son’s coat. Given that he was dressed for the beach in Spain in July, not the beach in England in January I knew that coat was essential. My husband suggested going to the big Sainsbury’s nearby and buying him a new coat. I knew that would never work so we got back in the car and went home to collect his coat.

All the way I was so annoyed with myself. It was these little mishaps that created so much tension. I beat myself up all the way home and all the way back to the beach again. But we got there eventually and we went in the arcades and I went and bought everyone chips. When I went in the chip shop it was cold but when I came out it was like the world had ended. The sky was black, the wind was so bad you could hardly stand in it and the waves were looking quite scary. We hastily retreated back to the car and when we got home we had only been out an hour and a half. This was not helping my cabin fever. I then had to play game after game with my son when we got in. I was exhausted. But he just wasn’t right at all. I knew he needed some normality. I knew he needed to be back in the normal routine but getting to this point was going to be hard. He wouldn’t let me take any of the Christmas trees down up until now. But today he finally let me so I got all the trees down and removed Christmas from the house. And I hoped this would help.

2nd January

This was the extra day my son was with me. He should have gone back to his dads on NYD but because we swapped the night he was with us until 5pm. We went for a walk up the woods again. This had helped my son the other day but today he was not right at all. It started with uno on the morning and while playing we were discussing what was going to happen through the day. When it came to me saying he was going to his dads again he flipped all the uno cards and said he wasn’t going. And I knew the swap was a mistake. The day went on and as the changeover time got nearer and nearer I reminded my son what was happening. I knew from his reaction that his anxiety was increasing and increasing. He kept saying things like…

“I would rather die than go to my dads.”

And so on and so on. This was disastrous. I knew I would have to message his dad again and explain the situation. When my son started attacking me with his new rollerskates, which really really hurt me I knew I wasn’t prepared to be beat up to get him to his dad’s house. I thought at one point he might break my foot but I didn’t react at all. And I knew it was all too far gone. I messaged his dad which resulted in some choice words being sent back from him but I knew the right decision for my son at this time was him to stay with me again for another night and we tackle the situation the next day. His dad was not happy about that at all, he even parked at the end of my drive and told me to bring him out. This was not the way to deal with this situation at all. My son would not talk to his dad at all, he did not want anything to do with him and so I told his dad he would stay here extra and I would sort this out for tomorrow. His dad was furious. Furious. I barely slept that night and when I did I dreamt about this situation. How would I get my son to his dads? What if he never went again? What was happening round there to make him not want to go? Round and round and round in my head.

3rd January

On this day I woke up and knew I needed to create a “normal” day for my son. I told him I was working (I wasn’t). I got my laptop out and signed on and started writing this blog while he sat next to me. I told him I had meetings this afternoon and would he like to go to Grandma’s this afternoon and she would take him to his dads at 4pm like on a normal changeover day and although my son seemed tense this seemed to work. My mam did a sterling job she baked with my son and they built dens and I had a video call with him just before 4pm as per usual and by some sort of miracle my son went to his dads.

And as I write this now I am an absolute wreck, more so than normal. The school holidays are usually a better time for us but with Christmas and New Year it has not agreed with my son at all, and I am so exhausted and worried about him. But as the picture above suggests you need to look for the light. So there was positives, my son liked his presents and Christmas Day went well.

As a family we all dealt with this extremely well – shoutout to my husband who cancelled his plans last minute to help and support me, and all after I had spent 90 minutes hiding out in the toilet on his birthday!!!

Shoutout to my mam who did an excellent job with my son this afternoon baking and building dens!!!

And shoutout to my daughter who helped so much with my son, and set aside what she wanted to do because I was too busy with my son to help her!!

I have learnt a lot this year and next year I will be better prepared…….

And when people ask me “Did you have a good Christmas and New Year?” my answer will be simply….

“Yes it was lovely, did you?”