Yes, it’s that most wonderful time of the year isn’t it!? And I absolutely love Christmas, or I certainly did. It used to give me a warm fuzzy feeling every year and more often than not I couldn’t sleep on Christmas Eve for excitement. I was Mrs Christmas – trees up early, presents sorted and wrapped, cards sent out but this year its different. Last year was probably the same but we had just moved house so I had the excuse that it felt different because we were trying to get sorted. I remember thinking next year I will feel that excitement again but this year I don’t. And I know why, things are different. As much as I want them to be the same they aren’t. And I need to know, understand and accept that. And I do. But this has created a grief in me that I cant explain. Grieving for how I thought things would be for my son. And Christmas is the worse time of year for that. Everyone is going to pantos and nativities, and carol services, and putting trees up and wearing matching pyjamas, and there is disruption to routines, schools do fun stuff, you are supposed to be happy and excited and cheery. And all that does for my son is create distress. This year so far I haven’t done anything Christmassy at all, and I feel that has worked but it has created a feeling of sadness in me that I can’t shake off. And so I need to make our own traditions that suit our family so I am thinking of this year as my transitional Christmas and next year I will be back bigger and better (well maybe not bigger, but definitely better). In order to make Christmas work for us as a family I need to let go what we should be doing and do what works for us and in a fashion I have already done that but its fully coming to terms with that too.
Christmas with my son is a season of relentless questions and here some of them are…..
Can I put my Christmas Tree up?
I have always done this with the kids. Each child has their own tree that they put up in their bedroom then we have the main tree in the living room. We have always done this together with my husband being responsible for putting the star on the top (to avoid arguments). This year we live in a bigger house and I had the idea of a tree in each living area (Why…I ask myself now!!!). So in November my son asked….
“Can I put my Christmas Tree up?”
And whenever he asks for something I tend to go with it (even if it was November) so we got it out the loft and put it up. Now this was worthy of a scene from Friends, where Monica decorates the tree and has to get it just right. My son positioned the tree where he wanted it, hung several baubles on and then asked for me to count how many baubles were on the front and then the back. He made sure everything was completely equal and each time he asked he would move back from the tree and study it intently. The tree was a small 3 foot pre lit one from B&M so nothing special but it did the job nicely. He never switched the lights on it once, he said he wanted to save the batteries for Christmas. He also had some LED light up Christmas Trees that he spent ages picking from the shop. Again he never turned the lights on once on these but they had pride of place on his storage unit. He had some Christmas Ornaments too – an iceskating penguin, a santa on skis and he stood these on his windowsill, facing outwards looking out of the window. I would have put them facing inwards so I could see them but we left him to do as he pleased and he was very pleased with this. This did make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
When we put the main trees up this didn’t quite go according to plan. I put one up in the dining room completely on my own which seemed to work well….if not a little boring. I did it, the children came home and moaned that I had done it without them and then that was that. So the tree in the main living room I put up with every one, including my son but this was traumatic. This was the first time we had put a tree up in this room and there wasn’t an obvious place for it. I put it in one spot and had to move a chair but my son wasn’t happy with this. So I moved it to the next place where there was an available plug – this didn’t go down well either. We finally settled in the corner of the room and its almost hidden behind two sofas but this seemed like a good compromise. As we started to decorate it he wanted the tree up but he didn’t want the tree up so I ended up doing this in stages. He told me when I was able to do a bit more on it and eventually after around 6 hours the tree was up and decorated. Needless to say there and then I made a decision not to put the third tree up in the second living room. I was planning on buying a garland and some other bits and bobs for the fireplaces but decided against it. We had a tree up and for that I was grateful.
What will the elf do tonight?
These bloody naughty elves have been the bane of my life for many years. My daughter had one and she loved it. And I mean loved it. I think she cried one year when it came back in December. I spent hours painstakingly setting up scenes and pranks that the elves did and every morning she would wake up so excited to see it. She talked about them all the time, and studied them and wondered about them a lot. My son had an elf and every night before bed he would ask….
“What will the elf do tonight?”
He was excited to see what it would do each morning but on the morning he would look at it and almost seem disappointed in it. Then never mentioned it again for the rest of the day. It seemed underwhelming for him.
Do I have to wear my Christmas Jumper?
I knew every year school did a Christmas jumper day. I also knew this would be a sticking point for my son. He was currently wearing the same outfit to school every day. Nike tracksuit bottoms, nike tshirt, nike hoodie, nike socks, and nike trainers. He never wore any different. And it had taken a long time to get to this compromise and now there was going to be Christmas jumper day. I spent a long time finding one that had the best chance of not upsetting him. It was fluffy on the inside, it had a hood and it had a football in a Santa hat on the front. Perfect. He did seem to like it when he saw it. And on the day he put it on but as soon as he did he asked me…
“Do I have to wear my Christmas Jumper?”
I of course told him no but I knew this was going to escalate. I tried a bit of humour, a lot of the time I find if I can make him laugh in these crucial moments then it distracts him enough to move on so I pretended (although he thought I was being serious) to trip over and it made him laugh but we were too far gone. And the morning descended into chaos and I know it was about that Christmas Jumper. He went and he wore it but the change caused him distress.
What should I call my hamster?
Recently I mistakenly took my son to Pets at Home while we were out just to have a look at the animals…….a look. That was all. And I have lived to regret it ever since. He saw the hamsters and when he wrote a letter to Santa he put hamster on it. And he has mentioned this hamster ever since. He is convinced he is going to get a hamster because that is what we tell our kids isn’t it. Write your Christmas list and Santa will bring those presents. I’ve had anxiety ever since about this. Do I buy a hamster? Do I buy a teddy hamster? Do I write a letter from Santa saying I don’t deliver pets? Argghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Has anyone been born on Christmas Day?
Its inconceivable to my son that someone would be born on Christmas Day because Christmas Day is Christmas Day so it cant also be somebody’s birthday. In the same way that he can’t understand why I call his Grandma, Mum, he cant understand that Christmas Day can also be somebody’s birthday. Supposedly the most important person was born on Christmas Day, Jesus Christ and my son loves a bit of religion so of course I told him Baby Jesus was born and he smiled and said oh yeahhhhhhhh. And he liked that answer and I never told him that anyone else could be born on Christmas Day. And I’m sure he will think that only baby Jesus could be born on Christmas Day.
The Question that has not been asked at all?
And I know what you are thinking. For a child so full of questions, you’d think he’d have asked about the biggest mystery of all—the man in the red suit. A magical being who squashes himself down chimneys, flies around the world in one night, and commands an army of elves and reindeer. I was worried about this because my son was so inquisitive but he never asked one question about this, not one. I didn’t have to tell any lies, he never even mentioned him. And this was very similar about the tooth fairy too. He just accepted this story and that was it. And honestly? I’m not sure whether I feel relief or disappointment.
This Christmas isn’t the same as it used to be. And deep down, I know it may never be the same again. The world has shifted forever, in ways that sometimes I can’t explain. The warm, fuzzy excitement I used to feel has been replaced by something heavier and messier but I’m learning to let go of what I think Christmas should be and embrace what it is now. It’s not picture-perfect or wrapped up in a neat bow. It’s chaotic, raw, and full of compromises. And it’s ours.
The Questions of My Child 
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