Throughout this blog, I’ve avoided touching on a particular subject….probably because I didn’t want it to cloud anyone’s judgment about my thoughts on my son. But now feels like the right time to discuss it, for two key reasons. First, because it’s a serious concern in my eyes, and second, because I honestly don’t know how to handle it.

So as I have said in other posts my son spends time at my house and at his dads house in an almost equal split of time. And it has been like this since my son was around 2 years old. We tried a variety of routines to start with and now have one that seems to work…….although now I am not so sure of that.

For me, my son has always been the same. There isn’t a specific event that I can pinpoint as the cause of his struggles. He’s always had challenges with food, touch, meeting new people, meltdowns, sleep, and countless other things. However, it’s all too easy for professionals to see a separated family and jump to conclusions…..assuming that the separation explains everything. But I genuinely don’t think that’s the case.

And that is probably why I haven’t really spoken about it on here because people do see that and immediately think that is the root cause of all the challenges. Throughout the last few years my son has never ever mentioned the fact that me and his dad aren’t together, he has never said he really missed his dad while with me, and I expect it’s the same the other way round. He has never asked one question at all about mums and dads not living together, barely even acknowledged it – something which I do find strange.

Me and his dad have made this work, I wouldn’t say we are friends but we communicate and we tend to keep ourselves to ourselves and try not to get involved in the other persons time. My son goes on holiday with both of us, he goes on trips, he spends time at both houses, both parents go to watch him at things at school, we are both involved in his school and extra curricular activities that he does so despite not particularly getting on we have made this work.

The one big area that we are so far apart on is the one area I talk about so much. Neurodivergence. Over the time me and his dad have not lived together I have raised my thoughts with his dad on how my son presents – I have kept him informed of all major incidents, school absences, major meltdowns, issues about food and sleep, little quirks I see in my son and at every point I have been met with resistance.

“He’s never like that here.”
“He’s fine when with me.”
“I was like that as a child and there is nothing wrong with me.”
“I would just say he is a fussy eater, but I was the same as a child and I eat anything now.”

And so on and so on……..

It’s hard because I don’t see my son when he’s with his dad; I can only go off what his dad tells me and I have to trust that right? According to him, our son has no issues there—he even gets him to school. Meanwhile, at my house, school mornings are a mess. This discrepancy eats away at me. How can my son appear fine in one setting and not in another? Add in the school’s feedback that “he’s fine here,” and the narrative becomes painfully clear: It must be me.

This thought cycle is relentless and deeply damaging. It’s breaking me—truly breaking me.

As I’ve pursued referrals and assessments for autism and ADHD, his dad has grown angrier. For him, the idea that his son might have something “wrong” (his words, not mine) is unacceptable. He insists that he was the same as a child and turned out fine. But deep down, I know I need to follow through with assessments because I believe my son is neurodivergent. Yet every time his dad dismisses my concerns, seeds of doubt are planted. Am I the problem? Is it something I’m doing? Does my son just hate being with me?

These thoughts eat away at me.

His dad has even gone so far as to suggest that the challenges stem from “the situation I’ve put him in.” Yes, I ended the relationship with his dad, but it wasn’t a decision I made lightly, it was necessary. He claims our son dislikes the people in my house, but my son’s distress is rarely about us. It’s about food, clothes, or an event he’s struggling to process. And if that was the case wouldn’t this come out in another setting? Wouldn’t he say he doesn’t want to come here? And how would that affect his diet?

To complicate things further, my son has started telling little white lies and stories. For example, the other day, he asked me to drop him at the door rather than drive to where we park the car at the house because “his legs didn’t work.” I did as he asked, but when I came inside, he was lying on the floor next to a mirror, claiming it had fallen on him and he couldn’t walk. The mirror wasn’t damaged, and he wasn’t hurt, but he stuck to his story.

These stories are small but frequent, and in a separated parenting situation, they create mistrust. His dad believes everything our son says and accuses me of things that didn’t happen, that my son does say happen.

Now, my son doesn’t want to leave my house. Getting him to his dad’s has become a major challenge.

So, what’s going on? Here’s my theory:

My son is neurodivergent. For all the seeds of doubt I know this to be true. I have always thought it, I see it, I feel it, I live it. There are challenges my son faces that cannot be attributed to living with separated parents. His diet for one is truly shocking. He says things like “I cant get my clothes to work” and the way he is so literal. But how can my son be so different in different settings. Yes ND people mask but can my 6 year old son mask to the extent where he is masking at school and his dads house.

Part of me thinks no, but then I see how burnt out he is when he comes to me, unable to continue on with life and the only thing I can think of that would explain that is he has masked all the time he has been away and it has completely killed him mentally and physically. I also believe that is why he does not want to go to his dads house, because somewhere deep down inside himself he knows he cant keep it up yet for some reason he does. 

And the stories he tells – well this has been a bit of a conundrum for us but the other week I was advised to consider a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile and so spent a lot of time reading about it. I have written about this in the past (Can we eat in a place that isn’t even here?) and at that time I was almost sure my son has a PDA profile but after this I think its pretty clear. Both me and my husband spent a whole night reading about it and we were amazed. Some examples from the PDA society website are below:

All of the above are very valid for my son. I am almost sure my son has ADHD but ASD I’m not so sure, a lot of it fits but then there are so many other things about him that don’t quite fit as it suggests above. The school avoidance is pretty real for us and a major issue….at 6 years old so I cant imagine how this will be once he is older. And very different presentations are shown between home and school.

This is absolutely my son. He completely resists the demand of every day life – even if its something he wants to do he cant quite bring himself to do it. Many people would see him as sociable – in fact I believe he is one of the most popular members of his class, he can be very charming and humorous when he needs to be.

When I describe how he is with me I know they don’t believe me because its so far from what he can present. He definitely experiences excessive mood swings and is obsessive about people – in particular me. He also has a best friend at school who he is obsessed with. He talks about him all the time and he got into trouble at school for protecting him against another child. He completely controls this friend of his and orders him around and his friend is extremely amenable. I have written about this here…..Why cant I have my friends round?

And then I read this…..

And I felt some validation. I felt like this held the answer to what I had been looking for. To what I knew. And I knew that when we finally got to the top of the waiting list for the ASD/ADHD assessment (latest approx. times were we would be seen by Feb 2026!!!) then I would talk about this. But in the meantime where do I go from here……..

At home, I’m trying to remove as many demands as possible. I see how burnt out he is, so I let him do what he wants and right now, that’s lying in bed in the dark with his iPad. We’ve stopped doing schoolwork for now. No reading, no homework, no spellings. I’m letting him lead because that is what he needs right now.

But the problem is that while I’m reducing demands, his dad is increasing them.

For every week I don’t do homework with my son, his dad insists on doing two pieces to “catch him up,” despite my explaining why I’ve stopped. While I allow my son to eat what he feels comfortable with, his dad pushes him to eat foods he dislikes. My son has started lying to his dad, saying he’ll eat them here, only to tell me he can’t. The more his dad pushes food, the more restrictive his diet here becomes. We’re now down to three foods.

When it comes to social events like birthday parties, I let my son decide whether he wants to go. More often than not, he doesn’t. His dad then criticises me, saying I’m “awful” for not sending him, and my son tells his dad that I didn’t let him go, which absolutely isn’t true at all.

But my son is just protecting himself, covering up for the fact he didn’t want to go, or knew he couldn’t cope with going. No amount of me trying to explain these situations to his dad work so I have almost given up communicating with him. The more information he has the worse it is for my son. It’s a really really difficult place to be in. So the question I ask myself is….

“How Can I Support My Child Across Two Homes?”

You might say, “Speak to the professionals.” Well believe me I have. The problem is, they don’t seem to know either. This whole situation seems to have stumped every professional that has been involved.

• Anxiety Support Services: We got referred to this via school and I was asked to complete a questionnaire to determine the level of anxiety my son faced. Both parents were offered to complete a questionnaire, and both of us did but this caused significant delays as the system couldn’t handle responses from two parents. I said well this must happen all the time and they confessed they had never had two parents complete two questionnaires!!!!
• School: They’re overwhelmed. Every adjustment I request for my son, his dad counteracts this by saying it’s not needed.
• Early Help: The worker admitted this was the most complex case she’d encountered and closed the file without a resolution.
• Social Work: After concerns arose about my son’s fibs, a social worker admitted, “I have no idea what to do with this.” She then asked me “What do you think we should do?”….I’m not joking!! She said she would consult with her manager and get back to me.  I haven’t heard back since despite me phoning and emailing twice.
• ASD/ADHD Assessment Service: They asked parents to complete forms which I did. I then asked whether my son’s dad needed to complete forms, they initially said no but later reversed that decision after he called them asking to complete forms. It feels like there’s no process in place for separated parents.

So, where does that leave my son?

Currently it leaves my son in a very difficult position where he has two houses and he has to be two different people in each house. He tells stories in each house to survive and each time he tells a story this sets off a chain of events that make everything so much worse. I see these stories and understand the reasoning behind them but it seems nobody else does. And this is a very tricky position to be in.

The more I see my son just surviving here, his dad says he is thriving there.

And where does that leave me?

This battle to help my child feels impossible. Battling with school, and various services. Repeating myself over and over again, going over and over events. Phone calls, emails, face to face meeting. It’s like skiing uphill against an avalanche.

And then you add in the complexities of being separated parents, where each service seems to have no process in place for dealing with two parents and where every step forward feels like a snowball being hurled at me, its more like skiing uphill against an avalanche but in flippers. At what point do you suffocate?

So, how can I support my child across two homes?

I’m stuck. I genuinely don’t know what to do. But that is what I need to work out.

Yes I know that is another question from me, and not my son but as time goes on I see my son’s sparkle disappearing, he is tired and wrung out. He still asks a lot of questions – currently many about Christmas and the hamster he has asked Santa for, and the Ukraine war………more on that next week I’m sure. But for now we are suffocating and the breathing space is getting less and less…..

*screenshots from the PDA Society